Answers to Stupid Questions

I answer a lot of really stupid questions every single shift. I've worked retail for many years, and the stupidity still shocks me. It eats my soul and makes me question the intelligence of humans. I have decided to put together a little Q&A so you know which stupid questions you shouldn't your underemployed cashier.

Q: Are you open?
A: No. We enjoy unlocking the doors so the local wildlife can have a chance to roam indoors.

Q: Which register is open?
A #1: The only one in the store that does NOT have a 'closed' sign on it.
A #2: The one I'm standing at.

Q: Do you work here?
A: Fuck no. I get off on wearing a white lab coat and pretending to work here.

Q: How much is this *waves something in the air*?
A: I don't know. What does the tag on the shelf say?

Q: Since the barcode didn't scan, it must be free, huh?
A: No. Can I punch you in the teeth?

Q: Why don't you ever smile?
A #1: They don't pay us enough to smile.
A #2: We are a little known branch of the FBI. The FBI were not issued smiles.

Q: Do you have a store card I can use?
A: Yes, but I'll get fired if I use it. True story. Suck it up and get a damned club card.

Q: Is anyone working here?
A: No. I'm only standing behind the counter at the register because it makes me happy in my pants.

Q: Why don't you carry X product?
A: Because this company hates you and wants to make sure that you are inconvenienced in every way possible.

Q: Why is there a thumb in my pictures?
A: Probably because you're an idiot.

Q: Why are my pictures dark?
A: More than likely because you're not smart enough to turn your camera's flash on.

Q: Why are my pictures so green?
A: Because you took pictures of grass and shrubs. No, I can't make the people you were trying to take a picture of magically appear. We do not live in a Harry Potter book.

Q: Why can't I print my amateur porn pictures here?
A: If they don't pay me enough to smile, do you really think they pay me enough to look at pictures of you bumping uglies with your girl/boy?

Q: I come in here twice a week to buy cigarettes. How come you don't know what kind I always buy?
A: I sell hundreds of packs of cigarettes a week to tens of different people. You are not a speshul snowflayke therefore I cannot remember you.

Q: Can I give you my pictures?
A: No. I will eat your soul if you do.

Q: Do you sell Tylenol here?
A: No. We sell Joker Brand. Smile!

Q: Why don't you sell vodka?
A: Because I drank it all.

Q: *holding up a sign that says "75% off all summer items"* Is the summer stuff 75% off?
A: No. The summer stuff is marked up an additional 75% from the price on the shelf label.

Q: Do you charge for money?
A: Yes. It's a personal rule that I never give money away unless I charge a 500% handling fee.

Q: Are you in school?
A: No.
Q: You seem smart. Why don't you go back to school and get your degree?
A: I have a degree.
Q: I don't mean an associates. Why don't you get a bachelors?
A: I have a bachelors degree. You see how helpful that was.

Q: Do you have change for a $100?
A: Do I look like a bank?

Q: Why are you open on holidays?
A: So assholes like you can buy condoms, duct tape, and baby oil.

Q: I think it's complete crap that you all have to work on a holiday.
A: Yet you are in here buying shit and are therefore the reason we all have to work on holidays. Fuck off.

Q: Oh! You close at 9pm?
A: Yes. GTFO.

Q: Why can't I use your bathroom?
A: We keep the velociraptors chained up in the men's room and the zombies are all in the women's room. The vampires are in the storage closet and the giant man-eating cockroaches live in the breakroom. Are you sure you still want to go back there?

You can't begin to understand how much willpower it takes to not say this stuff on a daily basis.